Covid Evening Breakdown

COVID breakdown
and no-one to send this to
there comes that day(s)
when you think (or realize, or think you realize)
that everyone you think (or supposed)
you were helping…
is doing better than you,
is doing fine without you…
so much for karma, direction and purpose,
and incidentally at this same time everything
around you that you have felt was real,
is breaking down
that rats of rot are invading your personal space,
and making fun of you, in every room of your dream house,
and invading your dreams,
this isn't what i imagined,
for this time frame, for this house, for my words,
i will be extremely kind here,
delusional might be a more apt word, but i can’t bring myself to that,
i’m wrapping my arms around words,
holding on to…
i did not think they were illusions…
my world
the world i make, the world i work at creating,
the world i send my energy into,
so many gods, so many positive examples,
so much vortex learning, so much believing,
until that day you wake up, there is no one there but you,
there is nothing but silence,
and me, maybe me,
me that is, but me that isn’t,
the me i understand on one level, and that level goes beyond physical, and yet,
the me that realizes that there are those so far beyond my understanding of things,
that i will not ever reach in this reiteration, or in this lifetime,
and yet i understand the need to keep learning and trying,
and i wonder if i have just been delusional in thinking i was helping anyone,
feeling stupid thinking i was helping others when i am so unawakened myself.
don’t know what any of this means
trying and just feeling frustrated, unillusioned, disillusioned,
wishing for signs
wishing for signs i recognize…